Marrying Up (a “Don’t Marry Career Women” Forbes article parody)

(a parody following the example of this article)

Marrying a woman who is both smarter and richer than you are is definitely not a job for the wimpy and whiny.

Like climbing Mount Everest, a decision to “marry up” definitely means considerable planning on your part. You do not want to be caught off guard when your wife-to-be makes your life a living hell.
Fortunately, I am an expert at marrying “up” and, as difficult as it is, you can survive this extra-degrading experience if you just follow some simple protocols

1. While most men simply require their wives wear a birka, the unworthy “upward marrying” groom must become the birka — blocking all views of the wife from others with his forehead.

2. A “pre-nuptual” divorce letter must be written, to save time when the inevitable eventually comes to pass. This also gives the opportunity for a “goodbye” to be written in cute caligraphy, rather than a sloppy, hand-written “up-yours” made at the very last minute.

If you are from Canada, pre-nuptual ringette played with a wedding ring and a pair of keys determines the stated origin of the letter. Whoever wins the match gets to sign the letter. (Since men are better at sports than women, you will most certainly gain the “I dumped you first” rights herein).

3. Like a vampire, you must bite your bride-to-be at least three times before you even consider taking this step. Once married, you should add three or four extra bites just to make sure she doesn’t try to feed you garlic toast for breakfast.

If you have the anatomic ability, it is better if you give birth to children yourself. Make sure they come out in a cute orange outfit, otherwise she will leave you stack.

Attractive Asian women make the best mourners. Make sure you hire one early, since you can never be sure when the stress from marriage will finally succeed in cutting your life short.

Writing whiny articles with off-hand references to half-baked statistics is an excellent way to cope. Have a good lot of cheesy goldfish to help you along this path.

Always check the backs of your palms carefully. If they begin to feel clammy, rent a Pride Fighting compilation and call your favorite Tour de France athlete for a free dose of testosterone.

Sometimes you will have to sneak up on your wife to bite her. Watch those elbows!

Lastly, and most importantly — DO NOT LET YOUR BRAIN FALL OUT YOUR NOSE! If this happens, the brain-money differential will be so overwhelming that you will not be able to survive.

All in all, one must not take “marrying up” lightly. If you do it, you must consider it nothing short of a martyrdom for your brethren. And spinach. Don’t forget to eat lots of spinach.

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